384 days till the wedding!

It was strange over the weekend. I was in an emotional state for some reason. But it caught me off-guard because Jessica was making a comment to me about Tim, and she said, "Well, he's your finacee."

I was almost going to make a comeback, but I stopped. He is! Yay!

I had my first wedding nightmares over the weekend. I dreamt that I went to my wedding and didn't have a dress. I had to go and find one on the way. Of course they were all Christmas-themed and atrocious. I don't know why I'm worry about that already.

Friday night, after things and before I fell asleep, I was laying there, next to him, with my head on his chest, and I was completely overwhelmed with love for him. It even made me cry. Same thing with last night (see what I said about being emotional).

I just love him!

364 Days till Christmas... 387 days till the wedding!

Christmas has come and gone and I'm tired. We had the big family dinner, and I ended up cooking and cleaning all day. We got out of bed around 7:00 yesterday morning. Tim had to run and get the kids and the roaster oven from hsi parents' house. I started cleaning/organizing and then showered and got Jess up to open her stocking. I started preparing the stuffing and turkey to go into the oven. I made 24 cups of stuffing, but there really should have been more.

I started a load of dishes and ended up doing 6 during the course of the day. As many as the dishwasher could do, but then we didn't get them all done. Crazy.

We opened gifts, then cleaned up. Later my mom and brother (and Elaine) came by to do gifts. They left right before 2:00 when I was about ready to lose my mind from all of the preparations. My mom had threatened to stay to face my grandma for the first time in 16 years, but she backed down at the last minute. I was relieved... I didn't think that I could handle that.

Tim's parents and brother's family arrived as my mom was leaving. Shortly thereafter, my grandma arrived. It was weird to see his brother and sister-in-law. She was very congratulatory on our engagement. It was nice to pause for a moment and think about that... but there wasn't much time.

We finished carving the turkey and the roast and getting the potatoes and gravies done. Steve helped carry stuff to the table. We got everything completed and as we were going to walk into the dining room, Tim grabbed my hand, pulled me to him, gave me a quick kiss and congratulated me on getting everything accomplished. It was sweet. I love that man.

At the end of the evening, I was so tired, I was ready for bed around 8:00. We stayed awake until around 9:15, but fell asleep shortly thereafter. I could barely get up this morning. I was dreading getting out of my warm cocoon and coming into a cold cold office. Honestly unmotivated to do much of anything.

This morning I started my first bridal registry... at Crate & Barrel (dot com). Yay. It is really early, but I saw some cute things that I really wanted. I may not end up using that one, but I found a soup tureen and some napkin holders that were great. We'll see.

My mom told me the other day that she would be able to give me some money for my wedding. This is a shocker. She has been so poor for such a long time now, and I feel bad for her wanting to give me money. But she is buying a house and going to have some cash left over. How exciting. Anything will help. Especially since my grandma hasn't said a word about buying my dress... even though she's promised that since I was a little girl.

Tim was saying that he was going to be getting a bonus at work. He said that it would be a nice little nest egg for the wedding. But practicality still wins out sometimes and I was wondering if it wouldn't be better to put towards new windows for the house. I don't know. I guess it depends.

January 16-18 is a wedding show at the Tacoma Dome. It will be interesting to see cakes and flowers and all of that jazz. I think that it will really give me a better idea of what to expect since I've never been to anything like that.

We'll see.

The Fiancee


I have finally made it to the status of "fiancee" and am damn proud of it. In the past, it was a source of conflict for me when we'd go places and Tim would introduce me as his "friend." It wouldn't have been so bad if he would have just said, "this is Kim," or something like that, but to say "my friend" made me extremely uncomfortable and questioning his motives.

On the 13th, we went to his office Christmas party at the Harbor Club. Very glamorous, darling. We put on our best outfits and looked like a smashing couple. He introduced me as his "finacee" and I was very excited. Much much better.

At one point, I thought that he was being a goofy because he asked me if I'd told someone that we were getting married. Like that was my opening line in any given conversation. I think that he did it because he'd previously never introduced me to the woman, but we ran into her on the train. Goofy guy... that fiancee of mine... hahahahaha.

It is Tuesday.

Just a normal day in most respects. But when I think about the fact that I'm actually engaged, it doesn't quite seem real yet. I guess it is one of those things that you wait for... your whole life... and then you don't know what to do with it once it is upon you.

Tim told the kids on Friday night. We had picked them up and it was the usual falderal. As we got closer to Federal Way, I asked him if he was going to tell them. Otherwise, I'd have to call Jessica to warn her from saying anything. He said that he was going to.

A few minutes later, he told them. They didn't say much. They thought that it was "cool" but that was about it.

It seems kinda silly to start planning already, but in reality, if I have to budget, I need to know how much things are going to be and go from there, AND I don't want to end up making last minute decisions on stuff. I'd rather be done early than scrambling.

A List of Qualities to Look for in a Man - in No Particular Order

1. Intelligent but not arrogant
2. Kind and compassionate
3. Reliable
4. Non-Smoker
5. Responsible
6. Able to be goofy at times
7. Not overly religious
8. Same/Similar values and politics
9. Good sense of humor
10. Likes kids but doesn't want more children
11. Handy around the house
12. Good conversationalist
13. Able to be spontaneous
14. Willing to grow
15. Supportive
16. Interested in my dreams/goals
17. Will do some activities w/me but have some of his own
18. Willing to go out (on occasion) with my friends

In April of 2001, I compiled this list after much soul searching and deep thought. I had gone to a 'tarot card reading' that the Seattle Jaycees offered, and I was talking to one of the 'readers.' He was married to the other 'reader' and as he did a mini-reading for me, I jokingly asked him about finding a guy (because there was no mention of it in my reading). He told me, in all seriousness, that I needed to really determine what it was that I wanted in a guy. All of the qualities that I could ever hope for. Things that I couldn't do without or did not want to compromise on (much).

"Until you really know what you want, you'll never find it."

I chuckled softly.

"I'm serious. That is how I met and married Raven. I decided what I wanted in a woman. Then I made a list of qualities that were important to me. Whenever I met someone, I could refer back to that list as a guide. I could then make a conscious decision rather than just accepting whomever might come along at the moment. I wouldn't be settling."

It made sense.

"I put that list under a garnet (stone for heart/love) and looked at it every night to make sure that it's energy was in my mind. I met Raven and knew that it was meant to be."

Later, as I was telling another friend, I sort of laughed and dismissed it. But then I thought more about it and the fact that I did tend to settle when it came to men. I figured that I was lucky to have someone so I would just take what I got. Then I looked at my life and where I wanted to be in the future. I was not getting there by settling for the good looking boy-toy that didn't speak much english, or the controlling professor who lived half-way across the country. I was living on my own, with my daughter, and having a full life with friends and activities. It would be enhanced by having someone to share that with, but a man wouldn't make me feel complete. It was time to start thinking differently.

I went home and made a list. It took quite awhile to decide what I couldn't live without. I wrote it all out and then eventually tried to find a garnet. I ended up finding a mini-bottle of garnet pieces at the supermall. I put that on top of my list and went along my merry way. I started to look at men in a different light.

With thoughts of what I wanted in my mind, my heart started drawing toward Tim. As a friend/co-worker, I knew that he fit many of the qualities on my list. I would discover later that he fulfilled 17 out of 18. Pretty darn good.

Moral of the story... know what direction you are going or you may end up somewhere else.

Two Years and Thirty-Four Hours Since the First Kiss

Early yesterday morning, I woke to that feeling of being in a strange bed and wishing momentarily that I was at home, in the comfort of my own cozy cocoon. I wished for the comfort of knowing that Jackamo was waiting to pounce and hurl his twenty-pound torso through the air to land on me in order to be petted. But we were at a vacation condo, in a room that was far too warm (although we never turned the heat on), the cat was at home alone, and the ocean waves were lolling on the sandy beaches outside in the near dawn.

Tim was snoring, so I couldn't get back to sleep immediately. I wandered out into the living room and gazed out the deck window to see the white capped waves approaching the shore. It was a peaceful feeling, but I was not at ease.

I sat on the decorator couch that wasn't overly comfortable and wondered if I should get a book, grab my journal, or flip on the mind-numbing television. Not motivated to do any of the above, I sat and vegged for a few minutes, wondering if Tim was ever going to get around to the whole proposal thing.

It had been about six weeks since his pronouncement of, "I've been trying to think of a way to pop the question," but nothing had happened yet. I thought that if he was going to do it over the Thanksgiving weekend, that he would have done it on Thanksgiving Day, or even Friday because that would have been the two-year anniversary of our first date. But those two days came and went without even a hint of anything. Saturday we went and shot some photos at Canon Beach and even there I thought that it would be a good place if he were planning on proposing. But nothing. We went back to the condo, did some odds and ends and then had dinner and started to relax. I felt full and icky, so I thought that it would be a good thing to walk on the beach. The Thursday/Friday mega storm did not allow for much walking on the beach when the winds were around 70 mph and the rain was sideways. Anyway, we walked down on the beach, in the dark, with the moon illuminating the sand in front of us. It was a clear night, not too cold, and very romantic. I thought that maybe, if he was going to do it at all, he would do it then. Alas, not in the cards for me. We got back to the condo and watched tv. He eventually fell asleep and I flipped through channels until I was bored and tired. My thoughts as I went to sleep were those of futility. I didn't think that it was ever going to happen.

I knew that he loved me, but it was a little disconcerting that he was having such a hard time proposing. I felt that maybe he still wasn't really ready. That didn't necessarily upset me, but I did wonder a little about what it would take for him to feel comfortable.

I vegged on the couch for a few minutes more, but really would have preferred to have a cozy blanket or something, so I decided to go back to bed. I snuck in so that I would not wake him up. He was still snoring soundly, so my efforts paid off.

Laying there, staring at the ceiling, I was mulling over the upcoming new year and what possibilities were ahead. All of a sudden, the snoring came to a staggering halt and Tim got out of bed to go to the bathroom. He came back and got into bed, rolled over and was surprised that I was awake.

"Hey, what are you doing awake?"

"I've been awake for quite awhile."

"Why?"

"I don't know... just couldn't sleep."

"Oh."

He fell quiet again and I thought for sure that he was going to go back to sleep. A minute or two passed. He rolled over toward me and leaned up on his elbows to give me a quick kiss.

"I love you," he said simply.

"I love you too," I replied.

"Can I ask you a question?" he asked... doesn't that really count as two questions?

"Yep."

"Will you marry me?"

No hesitation no pause.

"Yes."

Then the heavens sang at our sweet embrace.

Minutes later I couldn't help myself.

"YAY!"

He laughed.

We were engaged.